Living with infertility is often a very isolating, deeply personal, negative experience. The one thing a woman is set apart to do – get pregnant – doesn’t come naturally like you assumed it would, like it should have. You can feel betrayed by your body, broken in an intimate way that leaves a mark at the soul level. For the man, some feel (or were told) that they’re not “really a man” unless they can get their wife pregnant or have a child to carry on the family name.

That feeling of brokenness and frustration, coupled with the gut-wrenching desire for a baby, and perhaps even a feeling of being abandoned or betrayed by God, can contaminate every aspect of your life and make hope and joy feel out of reach.

You go through the emotional cycle every month: the hope a new cycle brings, the anxious watching of symptoms, the pressure to have sex at the right times, followed by a stressful two week wait, and the despairing crush of getting your period yet again.

Infertility smites you with a painful awareness of how little control you have over your fertility and your life plans, which sometimes makes us try to grasp control in other areas of our lives, from our sex life down to how we load the dishwasher.

Download this free ebook with tips for coping with infertility:

Tips for Coping with Infertility Ebook Download

The following are questions that are common for women struggling with infertility to ask, even if just to herself or to God.

Why has this happened to me? Why me?
Why don’t I get to have children when drug addicts, abusers, etc. do?
Why would God give me a desire for motherhood and not give me children? Why would God give me a child only to take him or her away from me?
How do I reconcile the biblical view of children as a blessing and a reward with my infertility?
How can a good and loving God allow me to suffer like this?
How do I believe that God is good when I feel like he is denying me a good and natural part of womanhood and life?
Is my infertility a punishment for past sin?
Does God think I have more value as a working woman than as a mother?
How do I accept my body’s brokenness? Or the mystery of possibly never knowing why I can’t get or stay pregnant?
How do I bear the sadness of never giving my husband children? How do I not feel like a failure as a wife?
How do I bear the exclusion from experiences of pregnancy? Of never seeing a positive pregnancy test or feeling the sensations of pregnancy, labor, breastfeeding?
How do I answer the common small talk question “Do you have kids?”
How do I fill my need as a woman to give life and to create?

“Certain sufferings leave permanent scars; we will never be the same again.”
When Expecting Doesn’t Happen, by Dr. Marie Meaney

Areas in which women often struggle or topics on which they seek advice:

Isolation and loneliness: Infertility is deeply personal and so is hard to convey. Also, it’s an experience in your body, which is isolating. Only you can do the blood work, eat the right foods, have the surgery, etc. for you. Loneliness also comes from feeling excluded from the “normal” experiences of womanhood, and feeling left behind as your friends all have children.
The stress of infertility and seeking treatment: The monthly cycle of hope and disappointment wears on you, as well as keeping up with all the tests, doctor’s appointments, and bills. One study showed an infertility diagnosis can be just as stressful as a cancer diagnosis.
Stress management: Depending on what works for the person, some options are counseling, exercise, spending time with friends, going outside, practicing gratitude, prayer, etc,
Grief and sadness: Grieving your infertility, the loss of a child, the change of your life plans, etc. is natural and healthy. The grief may never fully go away – it may resurface at a pregnancy announcement, or at the signs of menopause, etc.
Loss of control: Our plans for our life and our family are disrupted. The illusion of total control over our bodies/reproduction is dispelled. We can also lose a sense of control over our dreams, life, finances, and even travel plans.
Losing self-worth: It’s normal for both men and women to suffer a hit to their sense of worth when faced with infertility. We feel we are failing as a man or woman and as a spouse. We might feel like we are failing our parents by not being able to give them grandchildren.
Body acceptance: Infertility and pregnancy loss naturally lead to a break in your relationship with your body. You might feel betrayed by your own body, or hate your body for failing you or being unpredictable.
Talking about my infertility: Some days you’ll want to talk about it, others you’ll want to ignore it as much as you can. It can also be challenging to find someone else who understands and can truly sympathize with you. See the Infertility Ministries page to find online communities. You will also field unwanted advice or dismissive comments or tactless questions. Most often, these comments are well-intentioned, but ignorant.
The waiting: There is so much waiting in infertility! You wait for a cycle to end to find out if you’re finally pregnant; you wait for a new cycle to start so you can do another test.
My marriage: Infertility can totally take a toll on your marriage. Husbands and wives can experience the desire for children and the pain of infertility differently and grieve differently; this difference can cause resentment or division. There is also the temptation to blame yourself or your spouse for health issues beyond your control.
Our sex life: Infertility can suck the joy and the fun out of your sex life by making the focus solely on optimizing sex for getting pregnant. This runs the risk of using the other as a means to an end – pregnancy – which no one appreciates. Make a conscious effort to have sex at non-fertile times as well.
Feminine genius: Women are more than just their ability to get pregnant. Pope John Paul II’s concept of the feminine genius explored the four main qualities of femininity: receptivity, sensitivity, generosity, and maternity. I like to add creativity to the list too!
Joy: Infertility can contaminate everything in your life, causing you to withdraw. Continue to seek out life-giving and joy-creating activities.
Answering prayers: How do we reconcile “ask and you shall receive” with infertility? Most likely we will never have a full answer why God has permitted us to suffer the cross of infertility or pregnancy loss. As time goes on, we may be able to look back and see how God used it for our sanctification and His greater glory. It’s also a hard truth to accept, but having children is not necessary for salvation.
My faith: Infertility often tests our beliefs about God and our fidelity to the Church’s teachings. We might have to fight to continue to believe that He loves me and has good things planned for me. I encourage you to persist in prayer! Pray for the strength to carry your cross in faithfulness and God will provide the necessary grace.
Spiritual motherhood: We can direct our maternal energies toward pets, plants, nieces/nephews/godchildren, friends’ kids, mentoring, babysitting, ministry, caretaking, and nurturing others.
Fostering or adoption: We may not be able to have children of our own bodies, but there are those who need parents and a loving, stable home. Fostering and adoption have their own challenges, but they are options for growing your family.