Catholic Infertility Resources

If you are considering either foster care or adoption, we recommend that you both talk to couples who have done it before and that you do your research on ethical adoption and the developmental challenges and needs foster care children often have. In some ways it is just loving children, but in many ways, how that love is given is much more challenging than if it were a child born into a stable, loving home with two safe parents. 

Foster Care

Research different foster agencies in your area. Some are Christian-based, and some are not. We attended an introductory session with the two agencies whose online materials looked like the best fit for us, before deciding to use the agency that implemented TBRI, or trust-based relational intervention. The basic tenet of TBRI is that these children from hard places have been wounded through relationship, so they must be healed through relationship. It was founded by Dr. Karyn Purvis, and also relies on attachment theory. A good book to start with is The Connected Child. 

After we decided on our agency, we filled out an application. Once our application was accepted, we were interviewed as a couple by the agency before we were approved to begin training. The state requires certain trainings, and agencies can add their own trainings on top of that. We completed a massive binder of paperwork, as well as attended in person classes and took online classes. Part of the paperwork was deciding the age group, races, genders, and histories we were open to accepting. There was also a home inspection to make sure we were following all of the state rules for safety and cleanliness.

After that was the home study, which consisted of about 8 hours of being interviewed by a social worker, as a couple and as individuals. Home study questions are quite in-depth – everything from family of origin experiences to possibly even your sex life. Once the home study was completed, the agency types it up into a long report, which can take up to two months.

We also crafted a one page (front and back) “About Us” document that had pictures of our family, our pets, and activities we like to do with little blurbs of information. This document is available to the social worker choosing which family to pick when placing a child.

The way placement works with our agency/state is like this: When Child Protective Services (CPS) removes a child from their home, they send a blast to all the agencies contracted with them. The agency then reaches out to families with an opening for that demographic. The family can either accept or reject the placement opportunity. If the family says yes, then the agency submits the family to CPS, who chooses which family to place the child with. If you are chosen, the child could arrive in less than an hour, depending on how close you live to the CPS center.

At the time of placement, whatever information CPS has about the child and their background will be shared with you. It’s often not much information other than the reasons for removal (abuse, neglect, etc.). There will also be lots of paperwork! The child may or may not come with any possessions. We had one placement who came with nothing, but then the parents later sent lots of clothes. We had another placement who came with one bag of clothes and 4 toys, and that was everything in the world that belonged to him.

In our state, there are several requirements at the beginning of a placement. Doctor’s and dentist appointments have to happen within a small window, and everyone on that child’s team (state social worker, agency social worker, the child’s lawyer, their CASA advocate, etc.) has to come meet them. If the child is having parent and/or sibling visits, those will also start soon after placement.

We also have monthly documentation about development, progress, behaviors, social activities and more. Honestly, the paperwork never really declines. Every doctor’s appointment and every dose of medication requires paperwork. There are quarterly fire drills and documentation of all the child’s possessions. And there is still annual training to keep up with (30 credit hours for our agency/state).

The emotional challenges are also something to consider. You’re asked to love and bond with a child as if they were your own – even if you know there’s a high chance they will be going to live with a relative or return to their biological parents. There is the struggling with the biological parents’ past choices and if they do/don’t work to get their child back. If you’re adoption motivated, like we are, then praying for the biological parents’ conversion is also praying to lose the child you’ve come to love and would adopt if you could. It really pushes you to new levels of selflessness.

Foster care can be A LOT. But seeing the growth and positive changes in your foster child, and even their parents, makes it worth it. That being said, it’s not something to jump into willy-nilly. It needs to be a well thought out decision about if it’s the right fit for your family.

There is no foster care and adoption without loss. The biological parents lose their child. The child loses their biological family. The foster/adoptive parents often seek adoption because they couldn’t have their own children.