You may feel like you have been dealt an unfair hand, to have a desire for children or for more children, but not be able to fulfill your desire through natural motherhood. But there are many children who have also been dealt an unfair hand – their parents either can’t or won’t care for and love them as they ought to. These two forms of brokenness can find healing through the courage, love, selflessness, and sacrifice called for in foster care and adoption.
If you are considering either foster care or adoption, we recommend that you both talk to couples who have done it before and that you do your research on ethical adoption and the developmental challenges and needs foster care children often have. In some ways it is just loving children, but in many ways, how that love is given is much more challenging than if it were a child born into a stable, loving home with two safe parents.
Foster Care
Research different foster agencies in your area. Some are Christian-based, and some are not. We attended an introductory session with the two agencies whose online materials looked like the best fit for us, before deciding to use the agency that implemented TBRI, or trust-based relational intervention. The basic tenet of TBRI is that these children from hard places have been wounded through relationship, so they must be healed through relationship. It was founded by Dr. Karyn Purvis, and also relies on attachment theory. A good book to start with is The Connected Child.
After we decided on our agency, we filled out an application. Once our application was accepted, we were interviewed as a couple by the agency before we were approved to begin training. The state requires certain trainings, and agencies can add their own trainings on top of that. We completed a massive binder of paperwork, as well as attended in person classes and took online classes. Part of the paperwork was deciding the age group, races, genders, and histories we were open to accepting. There was also a home inspection to make sure we were following all of the state rules for safety and cleanliness.
After that was the home study, which consisted of about 8 hours of being interviewed by a social worker, as a couple and as individuals. Home study questions are quite in-depth – everything from family of origin experiences to possibly even your sex life. Once the home study was completed, the agency types it up into a long report, which can take up to two months.
We also crafted a one page (front and back) “About Us” document that had pictures of our family, our pets, and activities we like to do with little blurbs of information. This document is available to the social worker choosing which family to pick when placing a child.
The way placement works with our agency/state is like this: When Child Protective Services (CPS) removes a child from their home, they send a blast to all the agencies contracted with them. The agency then reaches out to families with an opening for that demographic. The family can either accept or reject the placement opportunity. If the family says yes, then the agency submits the family to CPS, who chooses which family to place the child with. If you are chosen, the child could arrive in less than an hour, depending on how close you live to the CPS center.
At the time of placement, whatever information CPS has about the child and their background will be shared with you. It’s often not much information other than the reasons for removal (abuse, neglect, etc.). There will also be lots of paperwork! The child may or may not come with any possessions. We had one placement who came with nothing, but then the parents later sent lots of clothes. We had another placement who came with one bag of clothes and 4 toys, and that was everything in the world that belonged to him.
In our state, there are several requirements at the beginning of a placement. Doctor’s and dentist appointments have to happen within a small window, and everyone on that child’s team (state social worker, agency social worker, the child’s lawyer, their CASA advocate, etc.) has to come meet them. If the child is having parent and/or sibling visits, those will also start soon after placement.
We also have monthly documentation about development, progress, behaviors, social activities and more. Honestly, the paperwork never really declines. Every doctor’s appointment and every dose of medication requires paperwork. There are quarterly fire drills and documentation of all the child’s possessions. And there is still annual training to keep up with (30 credit hours for our agency/state).
The emotional challenges are also something to consider. You’re asked to love and bond with a child as if they were your own – even if you know there’s a high chance they will be going to live with a relative or return to their biological parents. There is the struggling with the biological parents’ past choices and if they do/don’t work to get their child back. If you’re adoption motivated, like we are, then praying for the biological parents’ conversion is also praying to lose the child you’ve come to love and would adopt if you could. It really pushes you to new levels of selflessness.
Foster care can be A LOT. But seeing the growth and positive changes in your foster child, and even their parents, makes it worth it. That being said, it’s not something to jump into willy-nilly. It needs to be a well thought out decision about if it’s the right fit for your family.
There is no foster care and adoption without loss. The biological parents lose their child. The child loses their biological family. The foster/adoptive parents often seek adoption because they couldn’t have their own children.
Adoption
Private adoption might be a good option for your family. There is domestic adoption (adopting in America) and international adoption (adopting from another country). Both are expensive. Our local Catholic Charities has an infant domestic adoption program, and their stated fees start at $30,000. Catholic author and adoptive mother of three Emily Stimpson Chapman shared that each of their domestic adoptions cost over $50,000. She talks about adoption on her Instagram, where she has a highlight that answers many questions, including ethical adoption, the process, and the emotional journey.
Mary Bruno also has a chapter on their adoption experience in her book Twelve Stripes Deep.
The domestic adoption process is not all that different from the foster care process. You file out an application, attend an introductory session, get approved by the agency, receive some counseling and/or training by the agency, conduct a home study, and create a book about your family for the birth parents to look at. Then, it’s waiting to be “matched” – meaning a birth mother/parents have chosen you. You can accept or reject the opportunity. When the baby is born, you’re at the hospital to bring him or her home – unless the mother changes her mind. In some states, the mother must wait several days after giving birth to sign away her legal rights.
There is an IRS tax credit for adopting, and you can apply for grants or hold a fundraiser to help cut the cost of adopting. It’s a shame that it’s prohibitively expensive for many families who would otherwise be open to adopting.
Adoption Resources
Springs of Love Catholic Foster and Adoption Support
IRS Adoption Tax Credit Information
Lifesong For Orphans Adoption Financial Aid
Adopt Without Debt: Creative Ways To Cover The Cost Of Adoption, by Julie Gumm
Cradled in Grace Adoption Consultants
At Cradled in Grace, we are here to walk alongside our clients through each step of their domestic newborn adoption journey, offering personalized service from the first steps through finalization. Our goal at Cradled in Grace is to minimize risk and help to navigate the roadblocks to a successful adoption, while promoting ethical adoption practices and honoring all members of the triad. We serve families throughout the U.S.
Unlike many consultants, we are not primarily a matching service. Cradled in Grace provides comprehensive education, guidance, and support throughout the entire adoption process. A healthy adoption triad relationship can be a beautiful thing, but it is also complicated and multi-layered, born out of brokenness. Our desire is to fully prepare adoptive families to walk alongside an expectant mom, who is often facing difficult circumstances, as she considers an adoption plan for her child. Should she choose adoption, that family will continue to receive support, education, and guidance as they navigate this difficult process with her. Through our community of partners and our personalized consulting services, we empower families to understand the complexities involved in both raising and adopted child and maintaining a birth family relationship. Follow them on Instagram here.
Catholic Infertility Resources 