Catholic Infertility Resources

Whether you’ve suffered one miscarriage or more, the uncertainty of why this happened can be difficult to bear. And sadly, many conventional Ob/Gyns won’t even look into the cause of miscarriage until there have been three or more losses (what’s known as recurrent pregnancy loss). Perhaps this is because miscarriages are not uncommon – it’s estimated up to 26% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and 80% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester. Another possible reason why the cause of a miscarriage isn’t investigated is that about 70% of miscarriages occur because of a problem with the baby’s chromosomes – meaning there is nothing anyone can do. Uterine scar tissue, fibroids, polyps, and certain infections are also known to contribute to miscarriages. Insufficient progesterone is another factor, although it’s one that many conventional doctors won’t acknowledge. Thyroid imbalances, like hypothyroidism, and poor sperm health can also be factors in miscarriage and recurrent pregnancy loss.

Stillbirths are pregnancy losses that occurred after the twentieth week of gestation. About 1 in 175 pregnancies end in stillbirth. Some causes of stillbirth are preterm labor, leaking amniotic fluid, placental abruption, placental abnormalities, genetic conditions, infection, and problems with the umbilical cord.

The Emotional Toll of Miscarriage

Whatever the cause, the loss of a child is painful and difficult to bear. As parents we want to protect our children, but there is often very little or nothing at all we can do to prevent or stop a miscarriage. That lack of control is part of the emotional toll, especially when accompanied by feelings of guilt, like your body failed both you and your child. Complicating this further is the still present taboo on the topic of miscarriage. Additionally, if the miscarriage was early, no one besides you and your husband might have known you were pregnant, and thus can’t support you. On the other hand, your family and friends might have already known you were pregnant before your miscarriage, and now they have to be informed of your loss. Whatever the scenario, your grief is real and deserves to be treated as such.

When sharing the news of your loss or your sadness with others, you might be met with seemingly unfeeling comments like “Oh it was such an early miscarriage,” or “Focus on the other children you do have,” or “Don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again quickly.” These statements – most likely the other person’s awkward attempt at comforting words in a situation where they don’t know what to say – feel especially heartless because they’re dismissive of the particular child you loved and lost. We want our lost child to be acknowledged as valuable and worth grieving. Try not to take these statements personally, but also don’t be afraid to advocate for your own feelings and for your baby. You are still their parent, and you can still stick up for them. Being willing to talk about the realities of miscarriage and loss is one big way to help break down the taboo on the topic.

Mourning Your Baby

Your child was special, precious, loved, and unrepeatable, and deserves to be treated and remembered as such. Every baby, no matter their age or their health, has an immortal soul.

Depending on your situation, you may have the opportunity to bury your baby. This might help you through the grieving process, give some closure, and provide a way to remember and honor your child. Some Catholic hospitals will provide a burial for your miscarried or stillborn baby, sometimes free of charge. There is also a funeral rite for miscarried babies and a special blessing for parents, which can be a great source of peace.

If your miscarriage was too early, you can and should still find a way to honor and commemorate your child. Give him or her a name. Acknowledge their due date. Have some kind of keepsake or item in memory of them. Plant a tree or a rosebush in their honor. Buy a special piece of jewelry to wear in their honor, or even get a tattoo. Whatever feels appropriate and significant to you.

Allow yourself to mourn, and understand that the grieving process can be long, winding, and even be triggered at unexpected moments when you thought you were “past it.” Also bear in mind that husbands and wives might handle their grief in different ways. Share your grief together, but also respect the differences in how you both are processing the loss of your child.