The Adoption Process

When my husband and I decided to start the adoption process, I found it very hard to find clear, specific information about what that process was exactly. Internet searches were only mildly helpful. I ultimately bought an adoption information packet from a family lawyer I found on Instagram which explained the different paths a bit more and gave us some things to consider when choosing an agency. But we still learned so much about the adoption process as we moved through it ourselves. Nothing that we learned on the way would have made us change our minds, but I still wish I had had more clarity upfront. Which is why I created this page – to answer some of the questions you may have and to help you in your discernment process.

First off, I want to acknowledge that adoption is not for everyone, and that’s okay. Adoption requires more of parents – more paperwork and money, a relationship with birth mom/family, more questions from children about who they are and how they came to be in your family, potentially more health and/or behavior challenges – and not everyone wants to add these elements to their life. That’s okay! Additionally, in adoption, you are entering into a hurting, broken family. There is no adoption situation in which the child does not suffer loss and in which the birth parents are not suffering in some extreme way (abuse, rape, generational poverty, drug addiction, generational trauma, instability and dysfunction, broken families). This is why there is no such thing as “just adopt.”

So if you get through the discernment process and conclude that adoption is not for you, that is okay. That being said, below you will find practical information to help you discern adoption, vet agencies/consultants, an overview of the domestic infant adoption process, and links to more resources.

Questions to Help You Discern Adoption

Do I feel open or called to adoption? If you’re not sure, learning more about the process and talking to people who have adopted can help.

Do both spouses feel the same way about adoption? If spouses have different levels of readiness, it’s important for the more eager spouse to be patient and not pressure the other. It can be helpful to learn how the process works as that may resolve some concerns. Or one spouse may have concerns about the other spouse that need to be addressed before they feel comfortable moving forward with adoption (mental health, physical health, an unhealthy or immature behavior, etc.).

Am I ready to shift my priorities away from trying to conceive, at least for this season? Choosing to adopt doesn’t mean you have to stop trying, but you might need to pause testing or treatment to focus on the adoption process and raising your new child.

Can I love a child not biologically related to me? This is a common concern! Think about your friends’ kids or nieces and nephews. Are you able to express care and concern for them? If yes, then you will be able to express that same care and concern towards an adopted child. Keep in mind, it takes time to bond.

Is my desire to adopt motivated by love or selfishness? Am I looking to fix my pain or my marriage with a child? Have I appropriately grieved my infertility? Just like getting pregnant doesn’t erase the wounds of infertility, neither does adoption. Children are not band-aids we can apply to our hurting lives and expect them to make it all better. It is better for your own mental health, the health of your marriage, and your relationship with your future child, if you can come to some level of acceptance first.

What ages, genders, races, and prenatal exposures am I open to? There is no right or wrong answer, but having fewer preferences will help you match faster.

Am I willing to parent their potential behaviors and care for their potential mental and/or physical health issues?

Am I willing to learn about loss, child development, adoption, etc.?

Am I willing to participate in a relationship of some kind with the birth parents? About two-thirds of US domestic adoptions are open adoptions, meaning there is some level of relationship and communication, sometimes through a third party platform like Child Connect. An open adoption does not mean coparenting. However, it does mean you will have to acknowledge and talk about adoption and their birth parents and your child’s emotions as they grow and process their history.

Am I willing to spend the time, money, and emotions on the adoption process?

Am I willing to risk the pain/money of an adoption falling through at the last minute? There is no right or wrong answer; it’s entirely up to your level of risk tolerance. Ethical agencies will transfer your fees to a future adoption or refund you if the adoption is disrupted.

Have I seen positive examples of adoption in my life? While we shouldn’t ignore other people’s adoption experiences completely, we also have to realize that one person’s experience – either positive or negative – might not accurately represent the whole.

Do I have a family or community that is understanding and supportive of adoption?

Are there other children in my home who would be affected by the decision to move forward with adoption? It’s not just our grown-up hearts involved when there are other children in the family. Can you explain what is happening and why in a way your children will understand and help them to process it?

Am I being held back by fear, guilt about “giving up,” or thinking I have to stop wanting pregnancy to adopt? I don’t think the desire to get pregnant ever completely goes away, even while pursuing adoption. Choosing to adopt doesn’t preclude you from continuing or returning to trying to conceive. Many families have both biological and adopted kids.

The Different Paths to Adoption

There are many different ways to adopt a child in America. You could adopt a child from the foster care system (either by fostering first or by adopting a child or sibling group whose parental rights have already been terminated). You could find a birth mother on your own and self-match, then work with an adoption lawyer. You could work with a local adoption agency or agency chain in multiple states. Or you could work with an adoption consultant, someone who will guide you through the process and has connections to a collection of agencies.

Questions for Vetting a Consultant

My husband and I chose to work with an adoption consultant group – Cradled in Grace – that was recommended to us by someone we trusted. Our experience has been very positive! After feeling not-so-supported during fostering and still feeling vague about the adoption process itself, we decided that paying the extra expense to be guided by people with the knowledge and connections was worth it. It has saved us so much time and stress. We didn’t have to search for education, a home study provider, grants, or profile book designers. Everything was already gathered and at our fingertips in a portal. And our consultant was always just a text or call away if we had questions.

If you are considering the consultant path, here are some questions to ask the consultant:

What are their fees and what do the fees include?
How many families do they have?
What is their average timeline to match?
How many birth mom situations/opportunities to submit to do they have per week?
How do they vet agencies they work with to make sure they are ethical? Can you see the contracts/registration forms for the agencies they work with before match?
Can you talk to the agencies themselves to verify ethical behavior?
Does the consultant use a mutual selection process, meaning both the birth mom and the potential adoptive parents are involved in the choosing process?
Do the agencies the consultant works with only work with the consultant or do they also have their own registered families?
What support for adoptive parents do they provide, and does it carry through post placement?
Do they provide education, list of grants, counseling, profile book designer/guidance, reading recommendations, etc.?

Questions for Vetting an Agency

Even though we worked with a consultant, once we were chosen by a birth mom (or “matched”), we worked with the agency. You can choose to work directly with an adoption agency from the beginning. If there is a local agency, you can save on travel, lodging, and interstate paperwork. Some agencies have locations in multiple states, which could increase the opportunities for your profile book to be shown to birth moms. A single agency will have a smaller pool of birth moms; therefore, the time to adopt may be longer.

If you are considering the agency path, below are some questions to ask the agency, These questions have been compiled from Emily Stimpson Chapman’s list, as well as information from various other adoption professionals:

Is the agency licensed in that state?
Is the agency operating ethically? How do they serve the birth parent? Do birth parents get their own advocate? Do they offer post placement support? Do they offer options counseling to the birth parent and connect them to resources if they decide to parent their child? When in the pregnancy do they help mom make a birth plan/match (third trimester is the best)?
How many times do you meet with expectant moms before presenting them with family profiles?
What is the fee structure and what is included? Is it transparent? Are fees transferable if the adoption is disrupted? Are the birth mother expense fees very high, and if yes, why?
Do they provide education for potential adoptive parents?
How is the agency reaching birth moms? (Networking with pregnancy centers, schools, hospitals, shelters)
What is the vetting process for birth moms?
How many completed adoptions did you have over the last two years?
How many disrupted adoptions did you have over the past two years?
How many of your waiting families have been waiting longer than one year? Longer than two years? (Long waits signify that they are taking too many families on)
Does the agency use a mutual selection process?
How many profile books are given to any single birth mother? How much does the agency vet/select the profile books that the birth mom does ultimately see?
Does the agency require adoptive families to follow the CDC vaccine schedule before finalization?
Can you review a copy of their contract?
Do they promote open adoptions to the birth parents? What are your terms of “openness”?
What kind of information do they collect from birth mothers that is shared with potential adoptive parents?
What support services do they offer before and after placement for adoptive parents?
What support services do they offer before and after placement for biological parents?

The Domestic Adoption Process

Regardless of which path you take, there are certain tasks that have to be completed to adopt: the home study, having the money to pay for the adoption, creating a profile book, collecting all the necessary documents, and getting matched with a birth mom. I will share what each of these steps looked like for us.

The Home Study

The home study is a mandatory evaluation, conducted by a licensed professional counselor or social worker, that assesses the potential adoptive family’s safety, financial readiness, and suitability to adopt. The actual home study report is a legal document that summarizes the adoptive parents’ biographical information, attitude toward adoption, details about their marriage, home, community, religion, health/infertility, and finances, and their philosophy on parenting. It also includes background checks on multiple levels, a physical exam, and certain blood tests (TB, HIV, and drug tests).

Our consultant recommended a home study provider for our state who was also familiar with ICPC requirements. ICPC stands for the Interstate Compact on Placement of Children, which is the statutory agreement governing the adoption and moving of children from one state to another. If you adopt a child born in a state where you do not currently live, then you will have to follow ICPC.

Our home study provider was very prompt, friendly, and organized. She gave us access to a Google folder with a checklist of all the paperwork we would need to submit: biographical information including any history of trauma, background check, forms of identification, insurance, pet vaccinations, pay stubs, house floor plan, annual physical exam, letters of recommendation, and education hours certificates. Basically any paperwork the state would need to verify we are stable, safe, healthy adults who are capable of raising a child. Then she came to our house, did a house tour, and interviewed us, both separately and together. The interview dug deeper into some of our answers from the biographical form. Then she typed up all the information in the narrative home study report, which took about six weeks. We had a chance to review and verify it for accuracy, and then it was notarized. All told, it took two months.

After placement, the same person will complete the post-placement home visits and reports needed for finalization.

Fundraising

We chose to use GoFundMe for our fundraising platform, primarily because it’s a recognizable name. It was simple to set up a fundraiser, program thank you emails, provide updates to donors, and set up automatic transfers to a bank account. We shared our story of infertility and our need concisely, as well as provided a way for people to donate via Venmo or Zelle to avoid the cut that GoFundMe takes. GoFundMe has the ability to add offline donations to your fundraiser tracker, if you want to keep the public facing number updated. We shared our GoFundMe with family and friends, including on social media, and asked others to share it with their circles of influence.

Our consultant also provided a lengthy list of grants we could apply for, as well as interest-free loan providers. If you plan to apply for grants, most of them require the home study to be completed first and many require being matched as well. Some grants you could apply for are Lifesong for Orphans, Pure Gift of God, JSC Foundation, Gift of Adoption, Katelyn’s Fund, and Help Us Adopt. You will need to be fully funded to move to the match phase.

The Profile Book

Our contract with our consultant included our profile book, designed by their graphic designer. They gave us about eight sample books to look through, not only for style, but also to see the different sections we would need to write. They also had a visual guide to show our professional photographer and a shot list of which pictures we would need, as well as a writing guide for us for all the accompanying essays.

The profile book is meant to give the birth parents an idea of what life in your family looks like, from who you are to what your home looks like to your daily rhythms to your extended family, traditions, and community. Our book is a combination of professional photos of our family, house, and pets and candid photos of our hobbies, travels, holidays, and extended family. It’s typically the only thing birth parents have to make their choice about who they want to raise their child.

Our photos were accompanied by about 15 short essays about us, our marriage, our home, and our life. Our essays were reviewed by an adoption professional who works with birth mothers to make sure we were representing ourselves with sincerity and using the right tone and the right words. Once our essays were finalized, they and our photos were sent over to the graphic designer. We got a digital version of our profile book back in about two weeks. We were able to give feedback and then that was finalized as well. The agencies we were working with give the birth parents digital books to look at, but some agencies do still utilize printed books.

Documents

Our consultant had a long list of over 30 pieces of paperwork, documentation, and clearances that we would need to share with the agency once we matched. Many of the documents were also required for the home study, so they advised us to collect them as we went through the process. I saved them in a folder on my desktop, and then we spent a few evenings gathering, scanning, and uploading documents to our portal. We finished this task while our profile book was being designed, so everything wrapped up around the same time! Our consultant then audited and organized our documents so they would be ready to send to an agency when we matched.

The Match Phase

The match phase, or being a waiting family, means you are now able to be submitted to birth parents as potential adoptive parents. When our consultant receives a case, or birth mother situation description, from their partner agencies, we get an email with the case details and the deadline for deciding if we want to submit our profile or not, anywhere from one to eight hours. Our consultant texts us as soon as a case gets emailed, so we have as much time to read through the information and decide. The kind of information in a case/situation description includes:

Name of the agency and its location
Birth mom demographics (first name, race, age, education, hobbies/self description, if she has other kids, history of previous births)
Birth mom medical and mental health history
History of prenatal care (if any)
Gender, race, due date of baby (if known)
Substance exposures during pregnancy
If mom is incarcerated
Birth dad’s demographics (if known)
Reasons for placing
Biological family medical history
Preferred adoptive family characteristics
Terms of open adoption mom is asking for
Fees (breakdown, what’s due at matching)

We said no to the first several cases, for a variety of reasons. One because the child was a toddler, one because the timeline didn’t work for us, one because the birth mom wanted a family that was “not too religious,” and one because the mom had very heavy drug use every day with no prenatal care, and we just weren’t comfortable with that much risk. Our consultant never asked why we said no or judged us for our decisions.

When we did want to submit our profile book, we would let our consultant know and send her a short personal note to forward to the birth mother along with our profile book. Our consultant then handled all the paperwork and communication with the agency. The birth mom has a couple of days to decide. She might narrow her choices down to several families and then request a video call to help her make her final decision. Once a decision is made, the chosen family is notified by phone first, and then the rest of the families are emailed that another family has been chosen.

On average, the birth mom makes an adoption plan in her third trimester, unless she has a history of placing, then it might be earlier. There are also drop-in cases, where the mom is in labor or the baby has already been born, and the mom decides to place for adoption. If you are matched in a drop-in case, you will be traveling as soon as possible! If you are traveling out of state, plan to stay in the state where the baby is born for up to two weeks for ICPC paperwork to clear.

Being Chosen

It was a Friday morning at the end of July when our consultant called us. A new case had come through that morning, but we were still waiting to hear back on the case we had submitted to on Monday. I knew our consultant was trying to get an update from the agency so they could let the families who had not been chosen submit to this new case. It was getting close to the deadline, so when our consultant called my husband, my first thought was maybe she was letting us know we had been released. Instead, she told us we had been chosen and the birth mom was due in six weeks. We were shocked and thrilled—it was very hard to go back to work for the rest of the day!

After the initial rush of excitement, we were somewhat worried about the adoption falling through. We weren’t worried about the birth mom choosing to parent, given her history, but we were worried about grandparents showing up and understandably wanting to raise their grandchild. Our family, friends and colleagues were so excited for us, but we were protecting our hearts and couldn’t let ourselves get too hopeful.

After matching, we connected with the adoption agency facilitating our birth mom’s case. We filled out another stack of paperwork, notarized some forms, and wired them the first installment of the fees. They shared with us the ultrasound photos of the baby. Birth mom hadn’t found out the baby’s gender, so it was going to be a surprise for everyone!

The next step was meeting our birth mom. Typically, the first call is a video call, and a representative from the agency joins to supervise. But our birth mom was too nervous (we were quite nervous ourselves!), so we talked with her over the phone a couple weeks after we matched. We expressed how honored we were that she chose us, and we used the time to get to know her. Little did we know we would be meeting in person in the very near future.

Placement

Only 24 hours after getting off the phone with our birth mom, I got a text from the adoption agency saying they had just been notified that she had delivered her baby early!

We quickly wrapped up work for parental leave, handed off our pets to family, and packed the car. We left very early the next morning and drove halfway across the country. We spent the night with Robert’s mom and then finished the drive to the hospital, hashing out the baby names we liked. We found out shortly before we arrived that the baby was a boy!

The birth mom chose to meet us after she signed her termination of rights paperwork and was discharged from the hospital. We met her briefly in the lobby, gave her a gift, and asked her if she had a name she wanted included. Then we went up to the NICU to meet our son!

In instances where the adoptive parents can be at the hospital for delivery, the hospital experience will depend on the birth mom’s wishes. She might want to be the primary caregiver of the baby until she terminates her rights/is discharged from the hospital. Or she might not want to see the baby at all and want the adoptive parents to be the primary caregivers. Or it might be anywhere in between. Your case worker and her case worker will keep you apprised of birth mom’s wishes and help guide you through the hospital experience.

The birth mom might be required to wait a certain amount of time after birth before she can sign away her legal parental rights (waiting period). She might also have a grace period after terminating her rights to change her mind (revocation). Each state has their own laws on both, which you can look up here.

The day after our birth mom signed her surrender paperwork, we met with the adoption coordinator from the agency to sign the placement paperwork and pay the remaining fees. Once our son was discharged from the hospital, the agency initiated the ICPC paperwork. It’s not permitted to leave the state until that paperwork has been processed, so we stayed with family. The agency gave us a couple of days’ heads up when the process was close to finishing, so we could prepare to drive home.

Post Placement + Finalization

Following placement, the agency sets a court date for a hearing that terminates parental rights and transitions legal responsibility for the child to the adoption agency. Some agencies require their adoptive parents to abide by the CDC vaccine guidelines during this time, so ask your agency what their policy is.

The agency has to wait at least 30 days following the Termination of Parental Rights Hearing before the Petition for Adoption can be filed with the court. In the meantime, we completed the paperwork necessary for finalization.

The finalization process takes 6-8 months, and we were required to have a monthly supervisory visit from our home study provider until then. As we reside out of state, we attended the Final Hearing court date, at which a judge will finalize the adoption, via video call, but it’s usually done in person. After the adoption was finalized, a new birth certificate was issued listing my husband and I as the legal parents.

Overview of Expenses

Adoption Consultant Fee (optional)
Home Study + Report
- Post Placement Supervisory Visits + Reports
- Bloodwork for home study
- Background checks for home study (federal, state, and county)
Profile Book designer
- Professional photoshoot
- Printed profile books if your agency uses them
Agency Fees: application fee, services fee, counseling fee, placement fee
- Birth Mother Expenses
- Child Connect (third party photo/letter sharing platform)
Travel + Lodging